Signs

Signs.

Girls commonly ask for them whenever something’s confusing or bothering them. For us, they are tossing coins. Tossing coins decide the undecided.

I asked for a sign. The “yellow car sign” as we put them. It is said that when you have counted a hundred yellow cars, the person who you first see or first talk to you, she’s/he’s the one destined for you. I counted. And counted. For months. Finally, I finished counting one night. There he was, approaching me, “the one I am destined for me.” Yes, he was the first one I saw and talked to me. God knows how scary and confused I was. I wanna kill his existence. That night, I began to mess up everything.

After 9 months, I rejected the whole yellow car thing. Oh, calamity! The whole signs thing was crap.

Recently there is the pink shirt sign. I am pretty undecisive this time. It is a matter of pride. So I asked for it — a sign. If there were a person wearing a pink shirt on the same public transportation I rode on, I would go.

Damn signs! As I was going to the terminal, there were people wore pink! All were girls. When I sat on the jeepney to MRT EDSA, there was a girl whose shirt was pink! Next on the MRT, there are five (one stood next to me!) — all were girls. Last, jeep to our home. Another one wore pink!

Hence it was decided I would go. As a friend said, maybe it is God’s plan.

So I waited for the response. Nothing came after that convo. Yet again, I was disappointed.

Dang signs.

Year-end Highlights: 2013

It started bad. Here comes the depths of depression! Wooh!

I had an argument at the start of the year but didn’t clear up totally. However, I didn’t mind it from that day on for what was important was friendship anyway. Pride wasn’t important anyway.

My only grandparent died. I saw my mom devastated and how heartbreaking it was.

CE Night. IT WAS MY EFFING FIRST TIME!!! I never attended JS prom on high school. I was quite envious. Since it was on the day of my granny’s interment, we quite rushed things. I just had a random dress (not gown) borrowed from our landlady. I didn’t have time for make-up. I didn’t know how to apply make-up that time. The person waiting for me was quite mad. Ugh. I hid it from my friends I was still mourning so not to be a killjoy. I was actually happy but the death of my granny made me not-so-happy. It made me forget the nightmare I had. Thanks to my crazy friends.

2013 was my first ever Valentine’s. Though I had no date, I liked helping out my friends surprising their beloved. However, Vee was hurt that time.

I saw for the first time how wasted people could be thanks to intoxication.

On my 19th birthday, finally, Vee attended! Wooh! She gave me a black box I wanted ever since. At present, it is my Pandora’s Box. Sadly, Kate did not come again due to the effing convention for accountancy students. :(

I thought I would fail Mechanics of Deformable Bodues. I was even prepared! I passed.

Fourth year. I became very close with Maye, my ECE friend. I had the most ineffective professors! I didn’t feel like studying anymore. I felt like I was a zombie.

I was hailed as Academic Directress of Adamson University – Association of Civil Engineering Students.

Vee and Reil became a couple.

I lost my most “important friends.” I was brain-dead. I untrusted many people.

Though I lost friends, true ones remained.

I have a new phone!

I learned make-up and earned self-esteem. I know little by little, I did. I am still on the process of killing the shy Cye. Gradually, I am revealing the true me.

Half of the remaining block students failed Structural Theory 1. Chezki’s scholarship was pulled out.

AdU-LEAD!!! The three-day team building Baguio experience for Recognized Student Organizations (RSOs) in Adamson University. I had fuuuuun. I love Baguio.

Dad went home from Kuwait. Fron what I heard, he was forced to leave. It was unknown if he still had work. :(

On Christmas day, we had a familial crisis. My whole family was crying. I must be strong for my siblings. On that night, what the future may be kept flashing. I realized I must have a job to support my studies — Dad’s work might be gone, also we were in huge debts. I will be effing rich one day!!!

We had a new desktop PC. I broke it together with my laptop. :(

Food Adventurer’s Club-United was founded consisting of Homer, Kirby and me. :3

Maye and I became closer than ever! XD

Finally reunited with Karlo-kun after two years!

Kate’s 20th birthday at Gapan. Hehehe

Reneil-kun comes in Kate’s life.

On the last day of 2013, I was with my DH family. :)

2013 ended with a smile on my face. It gave me my ups and downs, with so many tears poured and wasted, yet at the end of the day, I learned valuable lessons.

Hence, 2014, BRING IT ON!

Year-End Highlights: 2012

2012, I think was my most favorite year — the year I was at the heights of my happiness.

On its first quarter, I became a debutant. We had a mini-party (but it turned out to be a teeny weeny pretty huge party) with formal dress and programme. My college blockmates and friends came. There were my beloved friends, KP, who came straight from a dance competition at Marikina, and Rhoane. Sadly my two best friends couldn’t make it. I received multiple gifts. And my most favorite was a portrait made by Elaine. :)

Though I was an irregular second year student, I was more than happy. It was like we were blockmates. Also, I was still classmates with my beloved best friend (more like sister), Vee. I became really close with Tin Aves and everytime I was with her, I was becoming a good person as she was. We three girls spend each day together and share secrets. I used to (and still am) think that failing a subject wasn’t bad. During summer, I made friends from other courses. I am still friends with them.

Physics 1 was the subject I failed. However, taking it again proved that I misunderstood Physics. I came to love Physics! All thanks to Prof. William Bill Turnbull! All of us second takers were able to understand it in one shot! My grades were nearly flat one!!! Actually I couldn’t believe it. Also in summer, Physics 2, I even perfected some of his quizzes! I was very happy. Because of being an irreg, I was able to sit in classes of my peers. They were Integral Calculus and Physics 2. I applied what I learned in those subjects when I took them and proved to be useful.

On summer 2012 was our Engineering Qualifying Exams. It was an exam for incoming third year students so they’ll continue being on their course or forced to shift to other courses IYKWIM. I just studied for our quiz in Physics 2 for if I failed it, it would taint my beloved record. EQE was 2 days after our quiz on Physics 2. I did study a bit so I know what to answer in some. I was really excited on taking it that I couldn’t sleep. We took exams in Algebra, Trigonometry, Analytical Geometry, Solid Mensuration, Calculus, Chemistry and Physics. There, it was quite easy, some parts were hard (think about Integral Calculus!!!). I made it with a huge grin plastered on my face despite how gloomy others were. I thought to myself, “I can pass it!” Days after, the results came. ASDFGH! I was TOP SEVEN!!! OMG!

I joined 2 quiz bees last 2012. They were not as prestigious as the nationals or regionals, but they were my first times after my math quiz bee on yhird year high school. The first one was for our Rizal subject teaming with my two classmates. We didn’t win though but I was happy I joined. The second one was for our Engineering Economics subject teaming with Joseph and Ate Kathy. It was quite big. Hehehe. But not to brag about. We actually made it to the finals but landed as third place. I thought we were going to be the champion. I was quite thirsty for victory. It was a thrilling quiz bee so far for me. I love the experience!

On my third year, first sem, I was hailed as top seven among Civil Engineering students. :3

In 2012, I made friends too. As in lots! From my fellow irregular students on 2nd year, Physics 2 groupmates, Prof. Turnbull, PSAU family, some from 202 2nd sem, Block 302 1st sem, Block-Blockan Wooh, AUSS, to  Marielle. I love every one of them. So much.

Then there were little misadventures with a no-name certain creature.

I started watching movies (not just 25 Pesos) on movie houses, singing on karaoke hubs, subscribing to combo20, loading every 5 days, waking up very early to study, and stopping cramming a little.

Last day of classes before Christmas 2012 was my happiest “Christmas Party” ever! I was with many college friends! We even had exchange gifts! XD Also I received gifts! Hihihi

At the end of the year, as usual, I went to my best friend’s (Kate) 19th birthday. Then again, I received gifts.

Indeed it was my happiest year! Though I didn’t have much money, I was very content. I hope I could return to it because little did I know, the saddest year was to come.

In Need of a Friend

I need someone to talk to.

Someone who is trustworthy
Someone who would just listen at my rants silently
Someone who isn’t busy
Someone who is just…there

This whole year, I have lots of things haunting my mind. I thought, I’ve finally overcome those. Now, they are back. They’re like monsters in a closet.

Actually, I have had trust issues. From the hints I dropped in my previous posts, it seemed from the moment I was emotionally hurt and been known to my friends, I felt there is no one who would hear my side. They didn’t listen to my explanations. They accepted their made-up truth for their own entertainment. Hence I thought, “Hell, there is no one who would listen to me without prejudice and making fun of me.” I tried talking about it to my friends when they asked me about it. Sadly, all what they’re saying were the same. They all.said to move on. Do they think it was easy? Or I wasn’t trying? Hell, it was difficult but I am trying my very best!!! They overlook my efforts, I see. It makes me feel no good. I just rode whatever they were shamelessly scheming. Of course, I don’t want myself be involved with those beings anymore, if you know what I am saying. I don’t want anyone’s pity.

One time, I asked the one I trust the most now, Julie. She made herself available for me that day. However, their Advanced Math test and bonding with block-blockan got in the way. I just went home that time.

I got no one to talk to in short. It felt heavy… So heavy I was gonna explode. You were asking what my best friends Catherine and Vee were doing during that time.
Catherine was busy academically and she would graduate this semester hopefully. I don’t have the heart to tell her. It is either she’ll think about my situation or take action.
Vee was also busy with her boyfriend. (I am pretty jealous. But I have to understand they need their freaking space.) It seems she is far awaaaay. She also got problems with her dad (not that kind of thing though). She also takes care of her mum who is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Her event in our org is coming. She got many problems and I don’t wish to be a bother.

Everyday whenever I see them, it was like they are telling me, “Your supposedly closest friend betrayed you, what more can just your close ones do?” Then there’s still that stabbing pain in the chest times two.

Recently I found out that my another supposedly very close friend talks behind my back. I never liked that shit.

I learned who to trust and not to trust. Are they really my friends? All I asked for last Christmas is for my loved ones to be happy. They did. I forgot to include myself, though.

Shit. Shit. Shit. I told myself. I shouldn’t trust anyone. I got no one to talk to. I don’t want to be human anymore. I’d be back to being an alien.

Right now, I don’t need those same cliché advices and pity (fake or not). Seriously. I just need someone who would listen quietly to my sentiments and drink coffee with me. That person could say something after I rant.

On Mediocrity

Why do I get the feeling that everything around me is substandard?

Why do I think all along the way, I’ve made the wrong decisions?

Why do I start regretting everything?

I was too naïve. Recently, I had seen how ugly reality is.

I chose the wrong school. I didn’t do my research about my current school. Those topnotchers were from other programs (courses). Since when was the last alumnus on top 10 of the board exam? God knows when. Our passing rate, in our department, is discouragingly low. Since I stepped on my third year here as an official student taking major subjects, I have realized we have substandard instructors! Really, I, we, did not learn anything starting from Statics of Rigid Bodies!!! I did not know what in the world we were drafting (more like copying) in Building Design! I did not know the contents of National Building Code of the Philippines! I did not know how to do AutoCAD anymore, what are the parts of a building and their functions, and what is the significance of those bloody formulae!

My physics professor (the only effective professor for me) told me yesternight that we can do it actually and told me things on why are we failing. I was embarrassed because he has high expectations from me as I used to top his exams and the Engineering Qualifying Exam.

Actually, I am not surprised on the outcome of our grade in Structural Theory. It would actually make sense if only four on our block passed; however, undeserving niggas passed, too. (For those who know me personally especially my blockmates or in the same year and course, do not be offended. This is what we assholes think all along.)

I am sad for my very good friend, Chezki. She is one of the cunning I’ve met. She is a scholar of Fluor-Daniel with allowance. Her parents are separated and they rely on their mother. She is the eldest and it is pressuring for her mother has high expectations from her. Without that scholarship, she couldn’t study. She is now troubled as she failed the bloody subject, thanks to our “effective and good-natured” professor. Now her scholarship would be gone. Darn it! Hence I am trying my best to support and help her. I suggest that we work whilst we study. The best paying job would be as a customer representative (AKA call center agent). However it is stressing aside from they do not hire part-timers. I suggest to work as a barista at Starbucks for it is near our alma mater. Editor in a journal, magazine or any reading material would be good for us. We are now in the middle of a job search. If my dad figures this out (me applying for a job), I’d be dead meat! It cannot be helped though. Dad’s salary is enough for us to make ends meet. He couldn’t shoulder more than this. Dad has pride. He doesn’t want us to pay it ourselves. He promised to give us comfort. My sister is studying in a catholic school. Yearly, its worth is roughly half my semestral tuition fee. That is about 20k. My brother is now on his second year in Jose Rizal University. His tuition is about 30k. Mine is whopping 40-45k. I do not wish to stop. I love studying. Not this semester though.

I am ashamed of myself. Not to my peers but to my parents. I’ve failed a subject before. But I skyrocketed my grades and status so I think I paid it. I was imposing on them, that’s why. I was the one who asked to have wifi and desktop on our home. They even bought me this new phone! I am embarrassed but I saw this coming already and I’ve already told them that I might fail. Dad’s mad.

Chezki and I came up with plans. Many plans. Aside from us working, we wished to transfer schools. I am envious of those who transferred. They made the right decision. They are misconceptualized as those who fail in our course. Wrong! They are those who realized they won’t get anywhere. Our choices are TUP and TIP. Since TUP is strict and we couldn’t afford repeating everything, we’d go for TIP.

I am jealous of Jody, Norbert, James, Eloie and Roselle. They are now learning. I read from Jody’s acknowledgment in her compilation in Building Design that they use the Building Code, know the computations, and what they are actually drawing. Yep, they are that fortunate. How I wished I’d join them. TIP is perfect because of these. Moreover, its tuition fee is half ours! Hoorah for that! Chezki could pay it herself given that she works. I could also help Dad minimize his expenditures!

It would be good leaving because I am leaving what should be left and forgotten.

Some things are holding me back though. Vee, I couldn’t leave her. She is my best friend! I have a duty to help and be there for her. Two, CJ, she relies on me as I am her partner on AdU-ACES. She frets too much, I couldn’t leave her. Three, my duty as an Academic Directress. It is my sworn duty to be.

So if our plan’s in favor of us, goodbye, AdU-ACES, mediocrity, good friends, Paotsin, free wifi, green comp shop, BKK, PSAU, CE Night!

If there is one thing why I am transferring, it would be because, I do not want mediocrity anymore!

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Paperman

It is a short film preceding Wreck-It Ralph in cinemas. It is said that it was nominated for an Oscars award.

I came across this movie whilst scrolling down my facebook newsfeed. I watched it and it was cute and sweet and romantic. I dunno. I find it like that.

The black and white film and the traditional hand-drawn animation are awesome.

I couldn’t say more about this. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. :)

Paperman Full Movie

Read more movie news at: http://www.moviefanatic.com/videos/paperman-full-movie/#ixzz2hVvoVG1U

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Series after the Unfortunate Event

I don’t understand myself. I do know something’s wrong with me for various stupid reasons that even my strong principles have weakened.

I feel mixed emotions. Most are new to me. My actions are telling me that what I say are otherwise.

Wrath. Disappointment. Jealousy. Neediness. Greed. Emptiness. Unsatisfaction. Peevishness. Loath. Sadness.

Because of one intolerable unfortunate thing happened so bad that I have to compose myself for a month, these unlucky events keep on happening. It is just all in how I take it. Negatively or positively. I take both for the realizations. I realized not all people who’re your friends are real. Some think badly of you. Few tell you what they think of you and it is good. Not all people who ask what is wrong with you or your side of the story are concerned. Most are merely curious. Sadly, very, very few remained. Even your friends won’t help or side with you. I do not like it when they are not neutral. They have concluded their opinions based on what they heard or see. I respect that. It is annoying though. People are like that. At least you know your story. You know the truth better than anyone else. You don’t have to take those malice to heart.

Most make fun of that unfortunate event or your feelings. It is torture. I have to endure it every bloody school day! I did want to kill them that instant. People, I am telling you, never ever make fun of people who are hurt emotionally. It kills them inside twice.

I swore to myself not to waste a tear for it. Not once. Not anymore. My tears are priceless. That is the negative part about this though. I couldn’t cry. Not even the saddest movie could unlike before. Oh, well. Apathetic as they call it, so be it! At least I am not overacting nor pretend to be to please everyone in this world. Now I don’t give a damn.

Despite all these emotions circling my mind, I have to do what is right. To separate what is personal from work and academics. It is just I have to utilize everything.

I want to make myself happy. I am optimistic but on the verge of being otherwise. So to keep my positivity, I have to cut off those negatives. Let go of what makes me sad. Ignorance as strength. Stand tall. Chin up. Don’t bloody think about it. Never let it shake you. Smile. Be strong.

image

I just think all these bad things happening to me, IN FRONT OF ME, are God’s way of telling me that better things are coming, just hang in there. It is already there but I refuse to accept it so I have to see it straightforwardly.
In two years it will all END. :)

My mind’s been off the grid for the last two semesters. I have to learn to prioritize again. I want my glory back. I swear I will. You will see, (please insert vicious professors). [and yes, my ending is irrelevant.]

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