Fourth Year Retard Part 1

(This is the first time I am going to use the WP mobile app! Awesome, isn’t it? But hell no I am not going to blog about this app. Hahaha)

Well, I will tell you what? I am now in the middle of brainstorming quirks, tricks and  bombs I am gonna throw on our, CJ and I, event this coming July 24 and 31, whilst trying to do academic things productively and figuring out when will I fold my clothes that are just sitting there in my closet. I am so busy with academics and org stuffs to do personal chores like cleaning my room, trimming my fingernails, and overhauling my closet. I don’t even think I have social life anymore. Well I do have two if you call facebooking ang tweeting socializing.

Nonetheless, I like being busy like hell. I was really, really bored the whole summer that I think I am going to be an idiot if I don’t do mental work. I hate chores. Hahaha yeah I am lazy. I was like, “Give me work!!! Give me puzzles!!” I almost finished my puzzles hidden in my shelves.

I am actually enjoying this pressure, these org stuffs, these projects. Most of them! Hahaha! I make use of my insomnia and get it cured gradually due to mental fatigue.

However, my fun fades away when my terminal disease kicks in, the side-effect of my mental exhaustion. I tend to sleep a lot these days, often daily in most of my subjects. Sometimes, I think I am retarded. I do get retarded at times. It was like part of my brain was shutting down and I was not able to think of tricks to solve a problem smoothly. It was depressing. Especially last Thursday on our major subject, everyone understood the topic whilst I, like an imbecile, still asking my seatmates on how to do the Maxwell Diagram shits. I reckon my friends who look up to me (if they do exist) are beginning to think I am like this due to a certain thing. I assured them not for I really am not.

My status as a student was getting dramatically lower. I am at the nadir of my “career”. I have to remember my goals and the reason I am still a CE student and not shifting to Neurology. (If there were a scholarship for Neurology or just an exchange student, I would grab it! After my board exam though.)

I am telling my scumbag brain to focus. Forcing myself to study is never my style. It will result to maybe good grades but never learn. I want to go back when I was a fresh third year student with too damn high motivation for proving them wrong and get perfect exam scores without even pushing an effort and just review a little. Never cramming but always acts like cramming just to blend with the panicking crowd and not be told “Pakopya naman!” or “Naks di na nagrereview!” or “Talino! Perfect na?” I dunno. I am not really happy when people say that so if you are my schoolmate, never tell me those things I mentioned.

This week is actually our “hell week”. Exams, exams, exams everywhere. I still don’t understand Statics to Mechanics of deformable Bodies. Now we have Structural Theory. It is true what our dear professor in Theory said to us during one of his impromptu-asking-anything moments, “You never learn! Go sit here in front so you’ll learn!” and, “Go back to SRB and MDB! You don’t understand.” I am more than willing to do that but I cannot. One, our family is suffering financial crisis. Two, no time. They have no idea how much I wanted to repeat every subject which I think I have not learned anything a bit with the most awesome professors.

Professors here are not motivating my cognitive skills. Psychological tests all suggest that my cognitive skills are highly exeptional. So why in the world it is dropping? Professors here do teach us but there is something lacking in it…something that makes me enjoy the difficult subjects like a nerd. Exploring. That is the word. I tend to explore and create new ways on solving a problem. I could think of several solutions in one problem. I used to be!!! But they teach us just one way of solving the reactions in a truss. Just the same bookish way the whooooole semester or scool year. Another is my mind is always flying off to somewhere unthinkable. (On the contrary, I have been absent-minded since. Hahaha) And I hate it. Now I do cram! Now, scram! Hahaha

I am trying to gain my dignity back. My place in the bulletin board, the scholarship that only a few know, my promise, my fun. Please pray for my scumbag brain. Thank you very much if you do.


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