I don’t understand myself. I do know something’s wrong with me for various stupid reasons that even my strong principles have weakened.
I feel mixed emotions. Most are new to me. My actions are telling me that what I say are otherwise.
Wrath. Disappointment. Jealousy. Neediness. Greed. Emptiness. Unsatisfaction. Peevishness. Loath. Sadness.
Because of one intolerable unfortunate thing happened so bad that I have to compose myself for a month, these unlucky events keep on happening. It is just all in how I take it. Negatively or positively. I take both for the realizations. I realized not all people who’re your friends are real. Some think badly of you. Few tell you what they think of you and it is good. Not all people who ask what is wrong with you or your side of the story are concerned. Most are merely curious. Sadly, very, very few remained. Even your friends won’t help or side with you. I do not like it when they are not neutral. They have concluded their opinions based on what they heard or see. I respect that. It is annoying though. People are like that. At least you know your story. You know the truth better than anyone else. You don’t have to take those malice to heart.
Most make fun of that unfortunate event or your feelings. It is torture. I have to endure it every bloody school day! I did want to kill them that instant. People, I am telling you, never ever make fun of people who are hurt emotionally. It kills them inside twice.
I swore to myself not to waste a tear for it. Not once. Not anymore. My tears are priceless. That is the negative part about this though. I couldn’t cry. Not even the saddest movie could unlike before. Oh, well. Apathetic as they call it, so be it! At least I am not overacting nor pretend to be to please everyone in this world. Now I don’t give a damn.
Despite all these emotions circling my mind, I have to do what is right. To separate what is personal from work and academics. It is just I have to utilize everything.
I want to make myself happy. I am optimistic but on the verge of being otherwise. So to keep my positivity, I have to cut off those negatives. Let go of what makes me sad. Ignorance as strength. Stand tall. Chin up. Don’t bloody think about it. Never let it shake you. Smile. Be strong.
I just think all these bad things happening to me, IN FRONT OF ME, are God’s way of telling me that better things are coming, just hang in there. It is already there but I refuse to accept it so I have to see it straightforwardly.
In two years it will all END. 🙂
My mind’s been off the grid for the last two semesters. I have to learn to prioritize again. I want my glory back. I swear I will. You will see, (please insert vicious professors). [and yes, my ending is irrelevant.]
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