On Mediocrity

Why do I get the feeling that everything around me is substandard?

Why do I think all along the way, I’ve made the wrong decisions?

Why do I start regretting everything?

I was too naïve. Recently, I had seen how ugly reality is.

I chose the wrong school. I didn’t do my research about my current school. Those topnotchers were from other programs (courses). Since when was the last alumnus on top 10 of the board exam? God knows when. Our passing rate, in our department, is discouragingly low. Since I stepped on my third year here as an official student taking major subjects, I have realized we have substandard instructors! Really, I, we, did not learn anything starting from Statics of Rigid Bodies!!! I did not know what in the world we were drafting (more like copying) in Building Design! I did not know the contents of National Building Code of the Philippines! I did not know how to do AutoCAD anymore, what are the parts of a building and their functions, and what is the significance of those bloody formulae!

My physics professor (the only effective professor for me) told me yesternight that we can do it actually and told me things on why are we failing. I was embarrassed because he has high expectations from me as I used to top his exams and the Engineering Qualifying Exam.

Actually, I am not surprised on the outcome of our grade in Structural Theory. It would actually make sense if only four on our block passed; however, undeserving niggas passed, too. (For those who know me personally especially my blockmates or in the same year and course, do not be offended. This is what we assholes think all along.)

I am sad for my very good friend, Chezki. She is one of the cunning I’ve met. She is a scholar of Fluor-Daniel with allowance. Her parents are separated and they rely on their mother. She is the eldest and it is pressuring for her mother has high expectations from her. Without that scholarship, she couldn’t study. She is now troubled as she failed the bloody subject, thanks to our “effective and good-natured” professor. Now her scholarship would be gone. Darn it! Hence I am trying my best to support and help her. I suggest that we work whilst we study. The best paying job would be as a customer representative (AKA call center agent). However it is stressing aside from they do not hire part-timers. I suggest to work as a barista at Starbucks for it is near our alma mater. Editor in a journal, magazine or any reading material would be good for us. We are now in the middle of a job search. If my dad figures this out (me applying for a job), I’d be dead meat! It cannot be helped though. Dad’s salary is enough for us to make ends meet. He couldn’t shoulder more than this. Dad has pride. He doesn’t want us to pay it ourselves. He promised to give us comfort. My sister is studying in a catholic school. Yearly, its worth is roughly half my semestral tuition fee. That is about 20k. My brother is now on his second year in Jose Rizal University. His tuition is about 30k. Mine is whopping 40-45k. I do not wish to stop. I love studying. Not this semester though.

I am ashamed of myself. Not to my peers but to my parents. I’ve failed a subject before. But I skyrocketed my grades and status so I think I paid it. I was imposing on them, that’s why. I was the one who asked to have wifi and desktop on our home. They even bought me this new phone! I am embarrassed but I saw this coming already and I’ve already told them that I might fail. Dad’s mad.

Chezki and I came up with plans. Many plans. Aside from us working, we wished to transfer schools. I am envious of those who transferred. They made the right decision. They are misconceptualized as those who fail in our course. Wrong! They are those who realized they won’t get anywhere. Our choices are TUP and TIP. Since TUP is strict and we couldn’t afford repeating everything, we’d go for TIP.

I am jealous of Jody, Norbert, James, Eloie and Roselle. They are now learning. I read from Jody’s acknowledgment in her compilation in Building Design that they use the Building Code, know the computations, and what they are actually drawing. Yep, they are that fortunate. How I wished I’d join them. TIP is perfect because of these. Moreover, its tuition fee is half ours! Hoorah for that! Chezki could pay it herself given that she works. I could also help Dad minimize his expenditures!

It would be good leaving because I am leaving what should be left and forgotten.

Some things are holding me back though. Vee, I couldn’t leave her. She is my best friend! I have a duty to help and be there for her. Two, CJ, she relies on me as I am her partner on AdU-ACES. She frets too much, I couldn’t leave her. Three, my duty as an Academic Directress. It is my sworn duty to be.

So if our plan’s in favor of us, goodbye, AdU-ACES, mediocrity, good friends, Paotsin, free wifi, green comp shop, BKK, PSAU, CE Night!

If there is one thing why I am transferring, it would be because, I do not want mediocrity anymore!

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