I need someone to talk to.
Someone who is trustworthy
Someone who would just listen at my rants silently
Someone who isn’t busy
Someone who is just…there
This whole year, I have lots of things haunting my mind. I thought, I’ve finally overcome those. Now, they are back. They’re like monsters in a closet.
Actually, I have had trust issues. From the hints I dropped in my previous posts, it seemed from the moment I was emotionally hurt and been known to my friends, I felt there is no one who would hear my side. They didn’t listen to my explanations. They accepted their made-up truth for their own entertainment. Hence I thought, “Hell, there is no one who would listen to me without prejudice and making fun of me.” I tried talking about it to my friends when they asked me about it. Sadly, all what they’re saying were the same. They all said to move on. Do they think it was easy? Or I wasn’t trying? Hell, it was difficult but I am trying my very best!!! They overlook my efforts, I see. It makes me feel no good. I just rode whatever they were shamelessly scheming. Of course, I don’t want myself be involved with those beings anymore, if you know what I am saying. I don’t want anyone’s pity.
One time, I asked the one I trust the most now, Julie. She made herself available for me that day. However, their Advanced Math test and bonding with block-blockan got in the way. I just went home that time.
I got no one to talk to in short. It felt heavy… So heavy I was gonna explode. You were asking what my best friends Catherine and Vee were doing during that time.
Catherine was busy academically and she would graduate this semester hopefully. I don’t have the heart to tell her. It is either she’ll think about my situation or take action.
Vee was also busy with her boyfriend. (I am pretty jealous. But I have to understand they need their freaking space.) It seems she is far awaaaay. She also got problems with her dad (not that kind of thing though). She also takes care of her mum who is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. Her event in our org is coming. She got many problems and I don’t wish to be a bother.
Everyday whenever I see them, it was like they are telling me, “Your supposedly closest friend betrayed you, what more can just your close ones do?” Then there’s still that stabbing pain in the chest times two.
Recently I found out that my another supposedly very close friend talks behind my back. I never liked that shit.
I learned who to trust and not to trust. Are they really my friends? All I asked for last Christmas is for my loved ones to be happy. They did. I forgot to include myself, though.
Shit. Shit. Shit. I told myself. I shouldn’t trust anyone. I got no one to talk to. I don’t want to be human anymore. I’d be back to being an alien.
Right now, I don’t need those same cliché advices and pity (fake or not). Seriously. I just need someone who would listen quietly to my sentiments and drink coffee with me. That person could say something after I rant.